i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
