We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
