I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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