i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I fill condoms, not promises.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
