I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this is an emotional support booty call
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize