if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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