Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
