I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
