Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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