i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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