It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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