I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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