You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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