I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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