Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
