I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
