I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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