If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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