I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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