Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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