I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
