I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
