Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize