How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
