Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
