Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
