I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
