I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
