Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
In America we eat man semen.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
