I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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