Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
