FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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