he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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