i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
