My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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