The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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