Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
