Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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