Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
