I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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