Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
