you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
