Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
