Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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