Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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