i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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