dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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