arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
