when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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