I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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