dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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