you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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