i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
