Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
