I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Where is the hickey?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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