Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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