Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize