Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
