dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
