I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
