we have officially lost it.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
