you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
