It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
